It's a small world, but I'd hate to paint it
I was going to the store the other day and I had a thought: "What if I was born one day earlier?" I came to the conclusion that nothing would be much different except that I might have pondered this yesterday. So I get to the store and I grab a soda and bring it up to the counter. The girl at the counter asks, "How are you doing today?" and I say, "oh fine I spose" and she says, "Will that be it?" and I say "No I want to buy this."

When i was a kid, my kindergarten teacher asked me what animal I would be if I could be any animal and I said I'd be a bird. She asked, "so you could fly?" and I said "no, so I'd have white poop."

I can levitate birds btw, but no one cares.

I bought batteries the other day but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I have a cousin who has HDADD (high-definition attention deficit disorder)...he can't pay attention for very long but when he does you'd be amazed at how crystal clear it is.


I was pulled over for speeding a few weeks ago. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

When someone asks you what time it is, say "Oh, I'm not from around here."

Today I...no, wait that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."